Episode 1

We did it! What was a horrible drunk idea by me one night after an awful open mic, came to fruition in one of the greatest nights in Las Vegas Comedy History! About three months ago Booya and I were sitting at the bar and I said we should have a Comedy Slumber Party and from the moment on Booya worked his ass of and made it happen. If you have never been to Boomers it is a little shitty bar tucked away between a bunch of old abandon warehouses just west of the Las Vegas strip.  It is a bar you should probably never go to, but it holds a special place in all of our hearts, because for most of us it is the place we started doing stand up comedy.  When I first moved to Vegas it was the only open mic and it was something I looked forward to every week.  Boomers has been the host of many fist fights, comedy roasts, blow jobs on stage, 1000,000 awful what happens in Vegas jokes, and some of the craziest performances by some of the weirdest and most talented people in the world.

Boomers was acctually cancelled for a couple years because some asshole (ME) through a full glass of beer at an audience member and broke a mirror. OOPS!  I always regretted doing this because I felt like I deprived a lot of the young comics the chance to lose their Comedy virginity at the House of Boom!

But on May 21st we returned to Boomers for one magical night.  Booya set up a great night, that had different comics host each hour, with every comic being gaurunteed they will at least get to perform once, breakfest was delivered at 8am, and we were going to take a group photo of all the vegas comics at 4 am!!  It was a late arriving crowd with alot of people showing up around 2am.  I was scheduled to host from 3am to 4am and I was determined to make my hour unforgetable.  One problem around 2:50 I realized I had to shit sooooo bad. So I went into one of the grossest bathrooms in the western United States and began getting all of my unfunny out. Thats when it began to get weird…. all of a sudden I was attacked by 40 balloon dicks? That was definatly a first.

I finally finished pooping around 3:07 and stomped in and took the mic right out of Matt Markmans hand and kicked him off stage. He hosted the hour before me and had really brought some energy to the room and I wanted to keep the momentun going. I immediatly promised during my hour somebody would perform naked, a girl would come on stage and show her tits, and everybody in my hour would not do there same old bullshit material….you had toget crazy to be a part of my show. And my hour did not dissapoint I had a ton of hilarious comics on stage and saw two of the biggest black boobs god has ever created. One problem…it was now 3:52 and nobody had performed naked! I knew what I had to do…so I went back on stage and got naked and began to try to fluff myself to try to get my dick to look somewhat impressive…it was very cold in the room and I was drunk….so nothing was really happening.  So my brillant plan was just to grab the very top of the shaft and pull the shit out of it so it looked like I had this huge shaft in my hand. I just let my balls hang because they are massive and very impressive…and I came out and finished my set to a wild crowd of laughs and moans and groans. I asked that nobody take pics…but that was a complete waste of time. Am I funnier naked…maybe… but if you didnt see it that night you probably will never get another chance.  I then got dressed and we took an awesome photo that I know we will all never forget. A few Vegas comics didnt show up and I will never understand why. The only thing I can say is you missed a night of comradery, drinks, laughs, nudity,fights, and egg McMuffins.  The next thing I knew I was walking out of the bar waste into the bright sun, which only happens in Vegas and is NEVER  a good idea. I want to thank all the comics that came out, I always tell everybody that Vegas has the worst comedy scene, but it also has some of the nicest, supportive, and funniest comics in the country. THANK YOU BOOMERS!

Have you ever been to Anger Management class…..no because you are a good person. I am also a good person but I got a little angry with a douche bartender, 3 butch lesbians, and 5 security guards at the El Cortez hotel in Las Vegas. That is a blog for another time. The result of that night was a night in Jail, 6 months of probation, and a 8 hour anger management class on a Saturday. So in the heart of college football season I had to drive to downtown Las Vegas at 7:30 am and go to a class room full of crazy people. Honestly I went to the class angry because who wants to pay $260 dollars for a stupid class and be up at 7am on a Saturday. I walk into the class and it is full, 24 people and nobody is talking everybody just looking at eachother trying to figure out why the other people are in the class. Minutes later in walks Mrs Collins a middle aged black woman who immediatly tells the class if I catch you on your phone or sleeping i will kick your ass out of class and you will have to do the class all over next week. I immediatly shut off my phone and gave up on my dreams of playing angry birds and checking football scores all day. But then things got super entertaining because she said everybody is going to stand up and tell why they are in the class. In my head all I could think was YESSSSSS, this is going to be awesome! And it was! The first couple people were boring but then Albert stood up and he was a 5’7 mexican dude just covered in tattoos and he said “I am here because this customer kept fucking with me at my work and I stabbed him in the kneck!” Holy shit who is going to beat that story? I will tell you who can beat that story Lakiesha a 5’10 fat black chic who stood up and said these exact words ” I punched my bitch ass roomate in the mouth because she sat on my baby” And the teacher asked the same question I am sure you are asking “Why would somebody sit on your baby” and Lakiesha said” I dont even know, fat bitch just seen my baby and just went and sat on him” Probably alot more to that story but I guess we will never find out. I then told my story and it got a couple laughs but i would say it was far from the winner. The winner was this poor old lady who I was fasinated by from the moment I walked in. Her name was Ann and she was 67 years old and reminded me of my grandma. She stood up and said “my husband left me for one of his students, his student was named Michelle and she was retarded. He brought Michelle to our home and she kept taking pictures of me very close to my face and I asked her to stop but she wouldnt so I slapped her, and then me and my husband and michelle got in a huge fight in my front yard.” Now I did feel awful for Ann but I have to admit if she had filmed the fight I probably would have watched it 1000 times on youtube. A retarded girl and two 60 year olds fist fighting in the front yard…that is not something you see everyday. After we all announced why we were there we watched videos for hours and hours and at 4:45 we all got our diplomas and were released back out into the wild. I didnt really learn much from that class but I did learn that I never want to have to sit through it again.

And the thought of that miserable Saturday often times keeps my anger under control. I do wish they would televise the first 30 mins every week when people tell the story of why they are in the class. That part was amazing!!! And as for my diploma…it is hanging up framed on my wall!!!! Dont be angry…Be happy!!

Have you ever wondered what it is like to date a porn star? Well I have no idea… Because who in there right mind would date a porn star? I do know what its like to meet a porn star at a show and then have one of the weirdest nights of my life.. would you like to hear about it? I thought you would. It was a Friday night and the night was crazy from the very beginning, I was doing a show at the LA Comedy club inside the 4 queens casino, this is my home club so I do shows there all the time but tonight was not like any other night I had ever performed there. In the front row left of the stage sat the great MMA fighter Randy Couture and his beautiful girlfriend, the problem was I didn’t know it was him and his girlfriend tell after I had already called her a whore. It’s part of a joke I often do and it usually gets a huge laugh… but not on this night because apparently I was the only one that didn’t know Randy Couture was at the show and the whole room went silent. I dug myself out of that hole and ended up having a great set. How great you wonder? It was so great that after the show Randy and his girlfriend came up and told me they loved the show and I also got to sign my first breast!

Yes it was hard to do and I might have even misspelled my name but it was awesome because they were a pair of hot young breasts!! I would have loved to grab a drink with this beautiful young lady but I had another show to go to and it was a show I had been anxiously awaiting for months…. what show could be better then possibly getting laid? How about Sam Tripoli’s naughty show at the Green Door (the biggest swingers club in the world!!) If you don’t know about the Naughty show it is a wild show full of porn stars, celebrities, comedians, and a grown man in a bunny suit!! So we get to the Naughty show and its is packed!

Standing room only and Tripoli is controlling the chaos like a carnival ringmaster, I am going up somewhere in the middle of the show, so we go next door to the gay bar and grab some drinks. Gay bar??? I am not gay but I do love beer and it is the only bar within miles so we gotta get some drinks. We pound a couple coors lights and head back to the Naughty show. I have a nice buzz and I see this porn star that I have met before at a couple shows and she is also there to perform so we already have something in common. I do a ten minute set around 1:30 am to a tired group of horny men and it goes okay. Probably not the set I would do on Letterman but for the situation it really wasn’t that bad… it was not nearly as good as her set. Her set involved 3 other naked girls and a banana… it was amazing. I would love to try to describe what went on but not really sure what you would call a lot of it. My only advice is if you ever get a chance make sure you go see a naughty show. So after the show she takes a bunch of pictures and signs a couple autographs and then we had back to the gay bar to get some drinks. The bar is packed and we are taking shots and pouring dollars into the jukebox. Well we were not pouring any money we were just making the requests. The porn star would let these creepy guys see her vagina if they would buy her a shot and put in two dollars so we could make requests. Needless to say we had probably 10 shots on the table and 30 credits in the jukebox. So we are drinking and having fun and this is when the night starts to get weird. The crowd is starting to dwindle down and there are only about 8 of us left.

Two of those people being bunny fever still in his bunny suit and the hilarious Doug Benson who is a very funny famous comic. If you know anything about Doug then you know he is like King stoner and the most nice laid back guy in the world. We are having a great time drinking and singing but there is this super fan that keeps coming over to our table telling Doug and I that we are so funny and he is such a big fan. We both thought it was really cool the first 500 times but then after awhile we were just getting annoyed. Doug asked him maybe 300 times to just leave us alone and to go bother somebody else… well he just wouldn’t do it and that is when i saw one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Laid back nice Doug got this running start and grabbed this dude and literally threw him out the front doors and onto the street!! It was like he was a bouncer at TAO nightclub. It was Awesome!! Unfortunately I think all this guys bullshit drained Doug, or he was out of weed so minutes later he took off. So know its me, bunny fever (drunk in full bunny suit), a old high school friend from Wyoming, the porn star, and two new random girls we have met. So the 6 of us just continue drinking and dancing and having a good time. About 5:30 am we decide to head back over to the Green Door and see who we can watch have sex and just see what kind of crazy shit is going on…. but when we get there it is closed!! So we decide to go back to the gay bar and have some more drinks…. bad idea! After an hour or so bunny fever and this random girl decide they want to have sex in this bar so they sneak off behind the stage and are having sex behind the curtain (kind of) we just see a bunny suit having fast bunny sex and it is hilarious to watch. Hilarious to us, not so funny to the bartender who catches a glimpse and goes crazy! (guess you are only allowed to have sex in the bathroom at gay bars) He kicks us all out screaming in the highest pitch I have ever heard “don’t you little fuckers every come back here again!!!!” So it is now 8 am it is daylight and we are to drunk to drive. Making the first responsible decision of the night we decide to get cabs. But then the porn star says you want to just get one cab and come to my house. Part of me is saying yes (you can probably guess which part) but part of me is saying I should just go home…. so we are in the cab going to her house which is about 25 mins away and we both fall asleep. Next thing I know we wake up at this guard gate and we are driving into this neighborhood full of Mansions. She has this amazing house and as we go right into her huge Master bedroom. The first thing I notice when I walk into her room is the stripper pole and stage about 5 feet from her bed, the second thing I notice is this huge blue dildo on the floor and this tip of this dildo is President Obama’s head… I know a lot of people think they are getting fucked by the president but she was REALLY getting fucked by the president!!

Like most white guys I am very intimidated to follow a black guy, especially if that guy is the President of the United States!!! So we climb into this huge bed…. and go to sleep. We wake up at about 4 in the afternoon and she asks me if I want some breakfast and I am definitely hungry but think it might be a little late for breakfast but she says no and gets on her phone and calls somebody and starts ordering, so I order eggs,bacon, toast and orange juice and she says okay it will be here in a little bit. We both fall back asleep and then about 35 mins later there is a knock on the door and in walks this short little bald guy who looks like he has just been released from prison carrying a big tray of food. I am honestly a little nervous because this guy looks crazy and I am laying under the covers naked, but she is totally comfortable with it because she is topless and just in her panties. So the guy sets the food dad and she says “hey dad I want you to meet my friend…. and she cant remember my name???? and then she looks at me and says friend I want you to meet my dad.” Talk about awkward I feel like I am suppose to stand up and shake his hand but I cant because I am naked. So I just say hey I am Brandt and he just head nods, and turns around and walks out of the room. I turn to the porn star and say “holy shit is he going to be pissed” and she says “he can’t get mad because he knows if he does I will fire his ass”. At the moment in my head all I could think is… what is this guy getting paid where he is fine with delivering breakfast in bed to some random naked guy that is laying with his half naked daughter. He has gotta be getting at least 20 bucks an hour……..